Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
