I am full of burrito and curiosity
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
