Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
