When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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