Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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