Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
