dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
