I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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