After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
