She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
where are you?
Hypothermia
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
