You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
