I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
