true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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