I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
