My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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