please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
