My sheets look like a crime scene.
Screwed.edu
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
