Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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