my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
