I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
