my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
