I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
