We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
