I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
