I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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