I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
