the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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