I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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