wakey wakey hands off snakey
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
