Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize