overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
