I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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