Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
