dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We left the knife in your bed.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
