we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
