Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
