I heard we made out
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
