don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
