I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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