broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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