Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
