It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
