I cannot find my penis.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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