no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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