I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The best revenge is premature balding
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
