I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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