No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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