I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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