I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
