Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
