the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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