I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
