I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
