It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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