you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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