Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
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