and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
