If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
