I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
