peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
