Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We need to get me chipped asap
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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